An Open Letter to Mothers Raising their Daughters in the Evangelical Church

Dear Mothers,

I am writing this letter because I deeply care about your daughter’s future mental and spiritual health. Raising your daughters in churches in which women are not equal to men will have a detrimental effect on their future. As a pastor, I have counselled innumerable adult women, many of whom were raised in evangelical churches. From what I have witnessed, the effects of growing up female in a patriarchal church range from eating disorders, to low self-esteem, to depression, to a rejection of faith entirely.

I am aware that many who read this letter in the Evangelical church will be quick to point out that women are celebrated in the church and deeply valued. This may be true. Yet when women are not allowed to preach or hold the senior  pastor position, when their sexual behavior and physical appearance are  scrutinized, then girls are not equal to boys and women are not equal to men in that church. Period. 

When women and girls hear messages from men about submission, obedience, and service as sacred behavior, then they are denied their equality. And when women are denied their equality to men, they hear a single message clearly: they are not valued.  
It’s a subtle devaluing that they themselves may not even recognize until their teens, twenties, or thirties. By that point, the damage is done. Such wounds will then harm their own children, perpetuating the cycle of suffering. 

There are two important things you should know about me. First, I was raised in the mainline (centrist, moderate)  Protestant church. This religious culture was imperfect, but it taught me that women are equal to men in all aspects of religious life. I had a male pastor growing up, but this seemed incidental. I was very aware that there were female pastors at other churches. Our small Methodist Church just happened to hire a male pastor. There were women elders and deacons, women serving communion, women leading difficult conversations, and women leading the finance committee. I knew my spiritual life, and potential for religious leadership, had nothing to do with my gender from the very beginning of my spiritual journey.

Second, as an ordained minister, I have spent a surprising amount of time and energy bearing witness to the spiritual abuse endured by women raised in the Evangelical church. I have heard these women’s stories, held their pain, absorbed their anger, assisted in the deconstruction and reconstruction of their theology At times encouraged them to leave the Christian church completely because that was their only plausible path toward healing. I have often thought that I should be on the Evangelical church’s payroll since I have spent a great deal of my professional life cleaning up its messes.

Let us begin with professional research and undeniable facts: 

• Church attendance has declined among younger women far faster than young men. Just search the above phrase and you will come up with lots of results. Surveys of female “exvangelicals” (those who have left the Evangelical church) reveal that sexual abuse scandals, female disempowerment, and an ongoing insistence on the submission of women to men are driving women out of church, and frequently out of faith itself as well as into abusive relationships and marriages.  
• Multiple studies have found that self-esteem is highly correlated with lots of good things, and low self-esteem is correlated with lots of bad things. People with high self-esteem have better relationships, less anxiety, and more hope for the future. Numerous studies suggest that the presence of female clergy in a young woman's life can effectively eliminate the existing self-esteem gap observed between genders. UCA Insights 
• Girls raised in evangelical churches that restrict leadership roles to men may not experience the benefits of higher self-esteem, potentially due to the lack of female role models in positions of authority. This disparity highlights the significant impact that female clergy can have on the psychological and educational development of young women.  Authentic Theology 2018 
• Churches that exclude women from meaningful religious leadership are facing the greatest number of sexual abuse criminal charges. There are too many articles to reference. Just search Southern Baptist Convention Sexual Abuse. Read for yourself. 
• HERE’S THE GOOD NEWS: Girls who had female clergy as role models during their upbringing exhibit higher self-esteem, better educational outcomes, and improved employment prospects compared to those who did not. This assertion is detailed in the 2018 book She Preached the Word: Women's Ordination in Modern America by political scientists Benjamin Knoll and Cammie Jo Bolin. Religion News 
• HERE’S MORE GOOD NEWS: Boys who had female clergy did not report lower self-esteem, possibly because churches that ordain women to leadership also include men in a variety of leadership positions. 

Facts and research are important, but stories are compelling. If you do not find the above facts sufficient to change your mind about raising your daughters in the Evangelical church, please read the stories I have collected from former evangelical women over the years of my ministry. I have changed names and details to protect the anonymity of these women. 

Angela endured years of marital rape because she was her husband’s God chosen help-mate.  The only thing Angela knew about sex before she was married was that she shouldn’t have it. She found herself in a controlling marriage in which sex was not a mutual experience, but one that was demanded of her. Only after years of sexual abuse did Angela realize that sex should be consensual. As a result of marital rape, Angela struggled with years of anxiety. There is no question that Angela’s story exists outside of the evangelical church. What makes her story particularly “evangelical” is that she learned from her church that women were meant to submit to their husbands and endure everything in marriage. In addition, since she never received any sexual education, she knew nothing about consent.

Sarah struggled with an undiagnosed eating disorder and anxiety from the time she was 13. Sarah never received help until she was well into her 30s. At an early age Sarah remembers the overwhelming pressure she felt to be perfect: reserved and respectful, joyful when appropriate, demure when expected, modestly dressed, and receptive to the attentions of her father and male elders above all else. But the external controls were too much, so she controlled the only thing she could: her eating. To this day she does not know how she even survived as long as she did with such extreme anxiety and so little food. When finally she was no longer able to function, her family just prayed for her. Only when her life was in immediate danger did she receive the mental health care she needed. 

Jane survived years of neglect and abuse as a child. In her teenage years, she discovered belonging in an evangelical church. In many ways, this belonging saved Jane. Yet when the real work of healing from childhood trauma and neglect was needed, the church abandoned her. Why? Because they didn’t understand why she needed medication or therapy or help beyond the scope of the church. Why wasn’t she simply happy to be in their community? Why was she seeking outside healing? Was she praying enough? Only after years of therapy did she come to understand that her church offered her belonging only when she conformed to their standards of womanhood.

Kyle did not want to become a mother. She never did. She wasn’t sure she was interested in marriage either. Her church told her again and again that there must be something wrong with her. Being an “Aunt” was not a calling. All women are called to marriage and motherhood, they said. Somehow she found her way out of the evangelical church before she crumpled under the social pressure to marry someone she did not want to spend her life with.

There are more dramatic stories than these four. Stories of childhood rape at the hands of the beloved pastor, an act that was swept under the rug. Meetings with church elders in which daughters listened as their beaten mother was scolded for causing her husband’s violence. Another story that still doesn’t seem possible but is true: when a young woman came out as a lesbian to her pastor, the pastor in her presence prayed that she would die before she would share her life with a woman. 

These stories might be easy to dismiss, just like the facts and research I have shared. I can imagine how easy it is to say, “Not at my church. These things don’t happen.” Everyone always thinks “this won’t happen to me,” or “this won’t happen to my daughter.” And still shouldn’t we do things to protect ourselves against the possibility of these things happening, like we would with wearing seat belts or meeting a first date in a public place?

When you are told as a girl directly or indirectly by your church that you are not equal to men, that deeply abusive and controlling narrative will come out in a multitude of ways in your adult life. Sometimes it is mental or physical health, sometimes an empty or abusive marriage, other times it has more tangible results such as poverty as a result of fewer educational and professional opportunities. Only a few escape unscathed. And everyone of those unscathed “happy” evangelical women will tell you how wonderful the church is. The women who have left will remain silent and afraid.

There is one final result of raising your daughter in the Evangelical church that few people seem to note: your daughter will most likely not attend church as an adult. She will live a life outside of a faith community because it will be the only option she believes is possible for her freedom. 

In closing, why am I writing to you? Why not write to the male leaders of these patriarchal and often abusive churches? The answer is simple: most of them won’t listen but you might.
 
Do what is best for your daughters. Do not be paralyzed by shame or guilt. Do not let your own evangelical church control you or keep you from freeing your daughter. Don’t worry about letting down the members of your church who will call you every week after you stop attending or demand a “biblical” reasoning for why you are leaving. Do what is best for your daughters, especially because no one ever did it for you. 

Be brave. Do not be afraid. Say ‘no more’  to this oppressive culture, because you want better for your daughter(s). And if the church rejects you, if you lose friendships, doesn’t that in itself speak to the kind of people they are? Did Jesus teach us that God is control, or did Jesus teach us that God is Love? 

And if ultimately you feel isolated and scared, reach out to me. I can put you in touch with lots of amazing women who will keep you company through this painful but ultimately liberating process. Healing and wholeness await. God wants them for you, and a good, progressive church--one that treats all genders equally--can help you get there. Let it be. 

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